Understanding People Pleasing and Codependency: How Therapy Can Help You Break Free
Okay, woah. What even are these things?
In our pursuit of connection and acceptance, we people tend to fall into patterns of people-pleasing and codependency. People-pleasing and codependency are two common behavioral patterns that can deeply impact relationships and our emotional well-being. While they may seem similar on the surface, both have distinct traits that can lead to unhealthy dynamics in personal and professional relationships. If you find yourself struggling to say “no,” constantly seeking approval, or feeling overly responsible for others’ emotions, you may be dealing with these issues. In this guide, we’ll explore what people-pleasing and codependency are, when and how they start to show up in our lives, and how therapy can provide lasting relief.
What is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is a behavior characterized by an excessive desire to please others, often at the expense of one’s own needs, desires, personal happiness, and mental health. At its core, people-pleasing is about seeking external validation, and stems from both a desire to be liked and in an effort to avoid conflict. Although people pleasing satisfies the short term goal of reducing tension, it can have long term negative effects when done habitually.
Signs of People-Pleasing
Difficulty Saying No: Have you have ever been asked to stay later at work and agreed to do it even though you just knew you wouldn’t have enough YOU time afterward? No worries. I see you. People-pleasers often struggle to decline requests, fearing others’ disappointment, disapproval, or conflict.
Constantly Seeking Approval: If it feels way too familiar to have that gut wrenching conflicted feeling when you’re saying ‘Yes’ but thinking ‘No’, this may be you. People pleasers frequently seek validation from others, feeling unworthy unless praised, included, or accepted.
Suppressing Personal Needs: People-pleasers often ignore their own feelings and needs, prioritizing others' instead. This is the “Oh, well I guess I can wait…” statement after someone asks you for help even though you’d already made plans for yourself. Problem is, this likely isn’t just a one time thing. This probably turns into an all the time thing. And if you’re reading this far, you’re probably way more than just ‘over it’.
Fear of Rejection: A strong fear of abandonment may drive people-pleasers to go to great lengths to keep others happy. Wearing clothes you don’t like, doing things you don’t care to do in places you wish you weren’t with people you KNOW are not your cup of tea…these are just some of the situations people pleasers find themselves stuck in after too many “Yes’s”.
Struggle with setting boundaries: —Or hanging onto unhealthy ones because they work best for other people. This one can be especially difficult for folks coming from families where the word ‘boundary’ was like a dirty word. If boundaries stay unexpressed or unenforced for long enough, cue the one way ticket to burnout and resentment.
The Roots of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is often rooted in childhood experiences where approval from caregivers was conditional. Over time, this need for validation becomes ingrained, leading to an inability to prioritize one’s own needs and desires.
What is Codependency?
Codependency, like people-pleasing, involves a reliance on others for approval and emotional satisfaction. But, codependency goes further by creating an emotional entanglement where one person’s identity, self-worth, and sense of stability become tied to or totally absorbed by someone else’s well-being. Codependent individuals often feel responsible for others’ emotions, actions, success, or recovery, which leads to an unhealthy dynamic where boundaries are blurred or non-existent.
Signs of Codependency
Low Self-Esteem: Codependent individuals often struggle with feelings of inadequacy and rely on others to feel valuable. Their self-worth is inherently tied to how ‘well’ they care for others. A codependent may believe that in order to be a “good” wife/sibling/partner/friend they have to serve their loved ones and sacrifice themselves.
Excessive Caregiving: They may feel an overwhelming need to “fix”, take care of, or “rescue” others, often sacrificing their own needs, even when it could be harmful. The concept of “enabling” comes into play here.
Fear of Abandonment or Rejection (Also known as Anxious Attachment): Similar to people-pleasers, codependents have a profound fear of being left alone, which can lead to clinginess or the need to control. Ever heard of “Needing to be needed”? This is what that is.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Codependent individuals often find it hard to establish and maintain healthy boundaries, leading to unhealthy relationships. They very often can’t distinguish between the end of themselves and the beginning of someone else.
Difficulty making decisions independently: Codependents often seek approval or permission when doing things, sometimes because their opinions so often defer to others', but also because their sense of self can be difficult to access while living in close proximity to others in pain.
The Roots of Codependency
Codependency often develops in environments where individuals have learned to prioritize others' needs over their own. This can be common in families with addiction, mental illness, or chronic illness, where caretaking of a loved one in pain becomes a survival mechanism. In these types of families, it is common that emotional needs were unmet or for unhealthy boundaries to become the family’s ‘norm’ — for the sake of caring for the loved one in pain. This can lead to enabling behaviors in relationships with partners, family members, or even friends who may struggle with addiction, mental health issues, or other problems.
How People-Pleasing and Codependency Affect Relationships
Both people-pleasing and codependency can lead to strained, unbalanced relationships resulting in feelings of resentment, emotional burnout, and a loss of personal identity.
For people-pleasers, relationships can feel one-sided. They may find themselves giving more than they receive, feeling unappreciated, and struggling with their own sense of worth. Codependent individuals, on the other hand, may feel trapped in relationships where they feel overly responsible for someone else’s happiness or well-being.
Burnout: Constantly catering to others’ needs can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion.
Resentment: Over time, individuals may feel resentful toward or unfairly treated by those they’ve tried to please, which can damage relationships.
Loss of Identity: Individuals may lose sight of their own values and interests, with their own sense of self becoming totally absorbed by others. The common phrase here is “I don’t even know who I am anymore without…”
Anxiety and Depression: The pressure to please and the fear of rejection can feed what seems like an endless cycle to run toward the “good” wife/husband/sibling/friend/coworker label.
“Looking for a sign?
YOU know how you feel. That alone is enough.”
The Role of Therapy in Healing People-Pleasing and Codependency
Therapy is an effective tool in breaking the cycle of people-pleasing and codependency. Working with a therapist provides a safe, non-judgmental space to explore the root causes of these behaviors, identify unhealthy patterns, and learn new ways of relating to others.
Exploring Root Causes: In therapy, Bianca will help you uncover the underlying beliefs and experiences that contribute to people-pleasing and codependency. Whether these behaviors stem from childhood trauma, attachment issues, or learned behavior, understanding their origins is the first step toward healing.
Building Self-Worth: Many people-pleasers and codependent individuals struggle with low self-esteem. Bianca focuses on helping clients build a sense of self-worth that isn’t dependent on external validation by fostering confidence and autonomy.
Setting Healthy Boundaries: One of the most important aspects of overcoming people-pleasing and codependency is learning to set and maintain boundaries. Bianca has a wealth of professional experience supporting others in boundary setting, and provides practical tools for identifying and asserting personal needs, allowing her clients to build healthier, more balanced relationships.
Challenging Negative Thought Patterns: People-pleasers and codependent individuals often struggle with negative self-talk and cognitive distortions, like believing they aren’t worthy of love unless they meet others’ expectations. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and other therapeutic approaches that Bianca has trained in can help challenge and reframe these unhelpful beliefs.
What to Expect in Therapy:
Therapy for people-pleasing and codependency involves a combination of talk therapy, skills-building, and emotional exploration. Depending on your unique needs, therapy may involve taking a look into your thoughts, feelings, actions, attachment, and self-esteem. Click the button below to learn more about how Bianca can help!
Take the First Step Toward Healing
If you’re struggling with people-pleasing or codependency, it’s important to remember that change is possible. Therapy provides the tools and support needed to break free from these patterns, helping you develop healthier relationships and regain your sense of self.
As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I specialize in working with individuals who are ready to overcome people-pleasing and codependency. Together, we’ll create a personalized approach to healing that empowers you to set boundaries, build self-worth, and live a more fulfilling life.
Contact me today to schedule a consultation and start your journey toward emotional freedom.
“I’m ready to meet you where you are, and guide you to where you want to be. First step is on you!”
Breaking Free: Strategies for Overcoming People-Pleasing and Codependency Outside of Therapy
1. Build Self-Awareness and Build UP Self-Esteem
Understanding your triggers and motivators are SO important. Keep a journal to explore your feelings and behaviors. Reflect on situations where you felt compelled to please others and consider the underlying reasons. Start to challenge the belief that you need others’ approval to feel worthy. Instead, focus on self-acceptance and validating your own experiences and feelings.
2. Practice Saying No
Start with small, low-stakes situations to practice saying no. This will help you build the confidence to set boundaries in more significant areas of your life. Recognize that it’s okay to prioritize your needs and that doing so doesn’t make you a bad person.
3. Establish Healthy Boundaries
Learning to set boundaries is vital for maintaining your well-being. First, identify what you value or need in life, then move toward protecting that value or need. Communicate your limits clearly and assertively, and remember that it’s okay to enforce them. But SAFETY FIRST: If enforcing your boundaries may put you in danger, SEEK TRUSTED SUPPORT FIRST.
4. Focus on Self-Care
Prioritize self-care activities that nourish your body, mind, and spirit. This can include exercise, hobbies, or simply taking time to relax. Recognize that taking care of yourself enables you to support others better. Pouring from an empty cup hasn’t helped you so far. Cultivate an overflow, then pour into others when it’s healthy to.
5. Seek Support
Therapy can be an invaluable resource for individuals struggling with people-pleasing and codependency. Bianca can provide tools and strategies tailored to your unique situation, helping you develop healthier relational patterns.
6. Remember your “Why”!
Even when you feel sooo tempted to go back to the way things were (feeling depleted, maybe disrespected, feeling stuck or unfulfilled), because that old way was just ‘easier’, remember why you started this journey in the first place. Pro tip: it wasn’t actually easier before, it was just familiar and caused less discomfort for other people who had no problem taking advantage of your offerings. What do you want your kids to learn by watching you? How do you want to feel toward YOURSELF?